Here are some commonly held beliefs about love that can ruin a relationship and block the happiness that comes with sharing love with an open heart:
“I’m not good enough to be loved.” Very few people go around saying “I am not good enough to be loved,” but this belief shows up in a variety of ways. People who live by it astound their friends and family by how little they will settle for in a mate and by the amount of abuse they will take. Another clue that this belief is in effect is the inability to accept love when it is freely offered.
“Letting go is hard to do.” Those with this belief suffer long and hard at the breakup of a relationship. Changing your focus from loss and pain to what you want to experience instead will help you to create that experience. The best way to let go is to reach for something else.
“Until I have the romantic love-of-my life I am not a success.” People who believe this fail to enjoy the other wonders in life—friends, family, and the glory of nature. The pride and pleasure of mastering new challenges mean little or nothing to them if they are not romantically involved.
“Love is scarce.” This myth causes people to latch on and hold tight at the first hint of a budding relationship. They do not have relationships; they take hostages. When their “prisoners of love” struggle and sooner or later break free, it reinforces the belief that the potential for a loving relationship is slim.
“Rejection” has to be painful and is to be avoided at all cost.” This belief prevents relationships from growing and changing in intimacy and strength. It causes fear-based communication and interaction. If you and your partner are not a good match, the sooner you know, the better. You can wish each other well and improve your chances of finding a more compatible match.
“I wasted my love on him, or her.” As if there were some huge rotting garbage heap of wasted love somewhere! Although sometimes you may not like the results of the choices you make, that does not mean that the experience of loving was wasted.
“Love is something you acquire and trade like a commodity. Because it results in constant calculation and evaluation, this belief ends in shallow exchanges and loneliness. For the man or woman who operates from this belief, it also seems real that others view him or her in the same calculating way.
“If you loved me, you would _____ (fill in the blank).” Those who suffer (and suffer they do!) from this conclusion measure how loved they are by whether their lovers give in to their demands. The demands escalate until they drive loved ones away or create a living nightmare instead of a loving partnership.
“Love takes away unhappiness.” When someone looks at love through this lens any upset signifies a failure of love. Ironically, when you actively love yourself or someone else, you usually will feel happier. It just doesn’t work when you try to put someone else in charge of your feelings.
“I don’t have anyone to love.” You can fill your heart with love for anyone at anytime. You don’t have to tell them you are doing it! That loving feeling is hard to beat!
What do you do when you find a limiting or self-defeating belief? This discovery is the first step to freedom. Here are four more.
1. Write the belief down so you can focus on it. Ask yourself, “Is that true?” Write your answer down. The goal is simply to determine if you really think that particular belief is true.
Many times this question will be enough to liberate you from a belief that has blocked your ability to love and be loved.
2. If the belief still seems true to you, ask “Why do I believe that? What seems true about this belief?”
3. If your belief disappeared, would that be ok? The answer to this might surprise you. It often leads to the discovery of some hidden fear you may need to work through.
4. Sometimes we are reluctant to part with a belief we have lived by for a long time. Ask “What might I be concerned would happen if I did not believe that?” Let your thoughts and imagination go with this one. Write freely. A masterpiece can come later. Right now give voice to the response that comes when you ask the question.
When you see for yourself that something you have believed, maybe for years, is simply not true, you open the door to new possibilities. What lies on the other side of limiting and self-defeating beliefs? Infinite opportunities to fill your life with love and happiness.
Sending you love and wishing you a happy Valentine’s Day!
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Break out from beliefs you adopted in hard times that you may still live by. Read Travelling Free
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