How to Buck the Current

Like swimming up a waterfall! Yes, changing a deeply rooted behavior can feel like that.  It is hard sometimes. But going with the flow when the current sweeps you away from your heart's desire is not the best approach to success and happiness.

You may just have to buck the current. It's strong. All of the experiences in your life feed into it. The way others see you flows into the stream too. Then there all of those societal beliefs to pull you along, like:

• It's bad to be the tallest poppy in the field
• You can't teach an old dog new tricks
• You don't deserve that
• Desire is the cause of all pain

Enough to make you give up? No, don't do it! Changing your life takes awareness and dedication sometimes, but not pain. It can be a great adventure.

You can find a way out of rip-tides and cross currents in the mindset that keeps your old ways in place, with you bobbing about in the life-jacket you thought you needed to keep afloat.

To grow your relationships, career, prosperity, you have to alter the beliefs that put you where you are in the first place and hold you there now. It may be one limiting belief, a cluster of them, or an undiscovered perception of reality that paralyzes you.

No matter who tells you to get a grip and pull up your socks, or how much more you deserve, if you do not address your own underlying version of reality your chances of success are pretty small. When you start with the outside stuff, even the most expensive life coach or highly trained therapist is unlikely to help you move beyond your own reality. Changing circumstances does little to transform the quality of your life.

This blog is full of articles about how to find and dismantle the beliefs that hold you back. My books, "Travelling Free: How to Recover from the Past" and "Emotional Options" are dedicated to helping you breakout from the prison of your own limiting version of reality. I recommend exploring them.

What I want to address here, though, is how to buck the current. Think of something you want and look inside to see what's been in the way. Every time you successfully discover that something you have believed is simply not true, take action in a new direction. Add strong desire for new outcome.

Do something new or in a new way. You will build a new diving off point. The auto-pilot in your brain will change. Your past will actually change as you add new experiences to it that give it new meaning. You will be able to swim up waterfalls!

Let us know what you find.

Love,
Mandy

The Emotional Advantage

When I lived in Rosendale, NY Jeffrey Pease, while still in his teens, used to hitchhike 90 miles down from Ballston Lake to participate in my weekly group. One of the great delights of my coaching career has been watching Jeffrey grow and thrive over these many years. Here he is now to contribute our first guest blog with insights as Chief Marketing Officer of a leading tech company.

The Emotional Advantage

Walking into the wind along the Jersey City waterfront this morning I look back over the Hudson River at the resilient Manhattan skyline and make the most important decision of my work day – how I’m going to feel at the office.

One hundred days into a new Chief Marketing Officer job, I think a lot about the crucial role emotional health plays in success. I’ve been happy at work and I’ve been miserable at work. Happy is better! Not just for me but for my whole team and ultimately for a tangible difference in company results.

This is especially true for anyone in a leadership role. I’ve never seen a job posting that says “whiny executive wanted” or heard the words “that guy seems stressed and cranky; let’s put him in charge!”

Emotional health offers a company a large untapped advantage that is largely ignored. In this case ignorance is far from bliss; it is perilous, because companies are populated entirely by people with feelings and ignoring them does not make them go away. The only emotions we can be fully responsible for, however, are our own. So while the emotional health of your workplace isn’t totally under your control, when you claim your own emotional advantage you can share the boost in creativity and productive energy it provides.

Early in my career, I completely failed to claim this advantage. In fact, like most people, I did not even know it was available to use. I joined so many demoralized companies or departments you’d think I sought them out, like that friend who repeatedly attracts the same bad relationship with different people. Worse still, instead of using an emotional advantage once I’d chosen a company, I joined in the camaraderie of commiseration – reinforcing the perception of how much things sucked and how powerless we were to change them. You won’t be shocked to learn that my early career wasn’t crowned with glory.

What changed? Sure I learned some things about the craft of Marketing and accumulated some good experience. But the more you achieve in your career, the less those hard skills matter and the more how you relate to and inspire (or demoralize) others comes into play. For that, the emotional advantage is foundational. I’m still not sure what makes that unhappy commiseration so attractive, but even in the toughest circumstances, the least helpful thing you can do when co‐workers are sinking in emotional quicksand is to jump in too.

Gradually I began to integrate years of work with emotions and the limiting beliefs that fuel them into my work life. Claiming my own emotional advantage allowed me to connect with disgruntled colleagues, not by diving in, but by throwing them a rope. It turns out that rope‐throwing is a valuable skill when there are problems to solve.

For the “how to" to claim your emotional advantage, I refer you to the work of Mandy Evans, especially her helpful book, “Emotional Options.” Here’s the “why.” If you have been trying to succeed at work so you can be happier, reverse that equation and prioritize being happy first. That in turn will likely make you more successful at work. If you want to lead people, that goes double!

Back to the Jersey City boardwalk where I recall my first day leading a new team at a new company. Like every team and every company, it has problems and holds promise. I look over the water and say to myself, “no whining.” What follows is a hundred days of magic!

You can learn more about Jeffrey Pease by visiting http://JeffreyPease.com

What to Follow in 2016?

 When he graduated from high school, my son went to college in Madrid. "Why?" I asked, stunned at the idea of him being so far away so young.

"I decided to take your advice" he replied. How novel! 

"What did I say?" I wondered, still in shock. 

"You told me, that whenever I didn't know what to do in life, if I followed my intense curiosity, I would always be okay. And, Mom, I can taste fluency. I could do a year of liberal arts just because, or I really learn Spanish, so I'm going to live in Madrid.

It worked out well, in his life, full of ups and down, as life is but always interesting. And in mine.

Curiosity activates desire. Conscious desire (not to be confused with attachment) is the strongest motivation there is. Far stronger than resolutions. My curiosity has led me to travel widely. To learn how to lead groups and present seminars. To read many books and write some self-help books. To explore and break out from thousands of beliefs that hold people back, blocking happiness and success.

I wonder where curiosity will lead me next. Maybe I can find a way to communicate how I broke out from a "how to get by on as little as possible" mind-set to one conducive to prosperity, in a way that will be useful to others. Should it be a book or a seminar? Would anyone be interested?Another compelling puzzle is how to contribute to a reading program for adults in my community since there is no longer an adult literacy program in Riverside County.

I'll let you know where these threads lead and would love to know about yours. You can post them in "Post a Comment" below.  

As we enter 2016, I wish you many blessings of health, happiness, love, peace on earth, and some wonderful adventures following your intense curiosity. 

Love, 

Mandy

A thankful Heart

A thankful heart is a happy heart. My happy heart is grateful to you for sharing so much of my life -- triumphs and challenges are all richer because of you.

I'm grateful for:

• My dear family and friends.
• My new knee
• Living in this beautiful spot on this wondrous planet
• Work that fills me with joy, keeps my interest, suits my talents, and bypasses most of my shortcomings
• Everyone who ever read my books
• My teachers 
• My students
• Kindness, love and generosity

What are you grateful for? Share your gratitude here with a comment. We can make it grow!

Happy US Thanksgiving and many blessings wherever you are.

Love,
Mandy

Beliefs About Punishment: May Peace Prevail

Here is an excerpt from my book "Emotional Options: A Handbook for Happiness." It deals with life extinguishing beliefs about punishment as a solution to challenging problems.

"Beliefs About Punishment:

Faith in the value of punishment takes many forms that impact our lives in countless destructive and limiting ways. Whether we punish to get even, or punish to change, punish to teach or punish to deter—the toll is high, the results open to dispute.

I want to interject an idea here before we go further into these beliefs. Each of us reacts to punishment, or intended punishment, in different ways. Perhaps the ideas in this book and practicing the Option Dialogues that follow will help you to gain more freedom over how you feel. When someone tries to make you feel bad, to humiliate you, or actually inflicts physical pain, you will know more about your emotional options and how to exercise them.

The goal is to bring awareness to the ways our faith in punishment often surpasses our faith in creativity, love, and perseverance. Here are some of the many ways society’s belief in the value of punishment manifests itself:
The Chiding Inner Monologue: This mind chatter mutters things like, “You stupid jerk. Can’t you do anything right?” while you forge stoically ahead trying to accomplish whatever the task-at-hand may be. Most inner reprimands include some sizzling X-rated language to give them that extra oomph. Ever catch yourself doing that? I cannot believe I still do it—and often. Now I’m on to myself though. I find it mildly amusing. Sometimes I actually counter out loud, “Don’t be ridiculous; I am not a stupid jerk. I am actually very bright.” Or grinningly repeat the childhood singsong, “Am not, am not, am not!”

Verbal Abuse Directed at Someone Else: Pity the customer service representatives who listen to people yell at them people all day long. How often do you hear people, who believe they have been wronged, simply state what they would like instead of what they got? When you want someone to fix something, change something, be more like the person you had in mind, all too often the reproach approach dominates.

Physical Abuse: From spanking a child to the abuse of prisoners, the belief that intentionally inflicting pain works is still widely held. Two favorite authors dispute this, Doctor Spock in his classic, still in print and going strong book, Baby and Child Care says, “discipline does not mean punishment.” Peter Eikann lays out a strong case in, The Tough on Crime Myth, which is unfortunately out of print now. Amazon.com lists several used copies for sale though.

Torture and Death: Taken to the extreme, faith in punishment leads to torture and death.

When it comes to life-enhancing beliefs and life-extinguishing ones, surely beliefs about punishment rank at the top of the list of beliefs we can hold that extinguish our aliveness—moment by moment, or altogether in death.
All sorts of false beliefs can produce strong emotional reactions that make life extremely painful. Other beliefs will hold a particular emotion in place long after it has served any useful purpose. Still other beliefs limit us like the bars of a small prison cell.

Beliefs that foster or allow happiness enhance life. Beliefs that foster or cause un-happiness extinguish life. Can it be that simple? With a smile, I believe it is.What do you do if you suspect you hold beliefs that may undermine your health and happiness? Adapt them? Adopt somebody else’s?

Trying to superimpose a new belief system over what already seems true to you does not work. That is because your belief system represents your version of reality—your unique, private reality, handed down through generations and cultures, cultivated since birth and added to by your own conclusions and observations every moment. Your reality does not change because someone tells you it is bad for you.

Should you try to figure out which ones are positive and which ones are negative? How would you even know which ones to try to change if you knew how to do it? You can’t exactly get up in the morning and start with “Do I believe I’m awake? Do I believe this is planet earth? Do I believe I can stand up?” You would never get out of bed.

Well then what can you do then when you suspect that your own beliefs stand in your way in an important area of your life?

If we abandon the defense of our existing beliefs and search for truth instead we will learn more.

You can learn how to uncover those beliefs—especially the hidden ones you do not even know you have. Then you can explore them, find out if they are true for you, and how to change them if they are not.

The real miracle is that you can feel better now. Feeling better offers a bonus. We make our greatest contributions when we are happy. When we are relaxed our bodies heal themselves and maintain health better. Every time we declare emotional independence from circumstances and events we free creativity and energy to deal with whatever conditions we encounter. We see more clearly. New directions become obvious that once were hidden in a red blaze of anger or the cold gray of despair."


"Emotional Options:A Handbook for Happiness" is available in paperback or digital format from Amazon. Here are links for reviews, info and ordering:
http://amzn.com/B002ACPNXK in the US 
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B002ACPNXK in the UK
It is also available in many other countries; check your local Amazon listings.

Prioritize Happiness!

New Podcast! This interview with the insightful Tara Reed and me takes a fresh look at an untapped freedom we all possess.

 In 1982 I visited my dear friend Joe Vitale in Texas. While I was there, we took a trip to San Antonio for him to make an appearance at Pat O'Bryan's seminar on internet marketing.

Tara was one of the participants. Pat gave her some advice that catapulted her career in art licensing to huge success.  When we sat together at lunch I felt one of those sweet instant connections that make life so much fun.

Fast forward a decade. Tara and have kept in touch and surprise! She sold her thriving business to begin a whole new adventure -- "Pivot to Happy." Hey, that's what I do too, so I emailed her and we recorded this free podcast.

It's about 30 minutes. Listen up and get your happy on! 

http://pivottohappy.com/are-your-beliefs-limiting-your-happiness/

Love,

Mandy

Report from the 30 Day Happiness Challenge

It worked. Trivial problems confirm important lesson.

First: Maybe that "challenge" word was not such a great idea. Let's go with "30 Days of Happiness" or the "30 Day Happiness Choice." Here's what happened, what do you think?

I ordered a sofa, love seat and ottoman online after actually sitting on them in the Pottery Barn store in Seattle. The ottoman arrives with chips on 2 legs. I call and send photos,  pack it up again. Then I realize there may be more. I take it out and see one seam is puckered. Of course they want to see that. My camera stops working, but my cell phone does the job. I shoot that seam, send it off and  repack. Now they want one of the whole thing. I unpack it and comply. But after the puckered picture it will not send any more.

I confess to bouts of frustration. Each time I asked myself how I wanted to feel words like peaceful, resourceful, competent came up. And son of a gun, that is how I felt.

Happiness restored, after another go at online cell instructions, camera menu, and. one more customer service conversation when I had to clarify it was puckered, not that word that sounds like it, I got the camera to work and sent that last pic off.

They schedule pickup. Love seat and sofa are due in October. Two guys arrive carrying  the love seat. Don't know anything about  the ottoman.  They call in and, whew, learn, yes, pick up the ottoman.

Next! I'm blessed to have a rental condo with fabulous tenants who call to say the fridge is dead. They find new one with a minor scratch and it and wait  patiently 4 days for it. The delivery guys scratches the front in the way in. Touch-up paint and 10% and we're good to go again.

Then! The  timer on my patio lights fails. Very dark out there.

But wait! There's more. My printer stops working. I perform about 30 steps, About a ream of paper later, the cleaned heads and perfectly aligned new cartridges print 1 line and quit. After about 4 more tries I quit too.

Oh, no! Day 29, Saturday night as midnight approaches, the smoke alarm chirps loudly. I get out the ladder, try to dismantle it, can find no battery.

At least my computer still works. Answers to online chirping questions including the 4 YouTube videos I watched prove useless. There's even an expert, who, for an undisclosed fee, is available to chat. There were some pretty grumpy responses, though. One chirping victim, who was obviously not engaged in the 30 Happiness Challenge, demanded a refund, describing the guy's head using a body part only boys have, The final online solution is to flip the circuit breaker. I know it's outside somewhere, but it's very dark out there now with no patio lights. Dang that chirping is loud.


A memory stirs. When I bought this place the owner filled a new requirement for a hard wired alarm by simply mounting the new one next to the old one.  But that was 8 years ago, could it be? I yanked that sucker out and yes! Now for a little midnight happy dance over a dead battery.

There's more but sometimes enough is more than enough!

Over and over, when frustration threatened to overwhelm my good spirits, I stopped to ask myself how I wanted to feel. Each time I preferred some form of happiness, mostly amusement at the situations.

These problems are so trivial compared to the challenges people face every day from war, disease, abuse. But the experience showed so clearly how easy it is to get lost in a problem and feed frustration instead of creating peace and space for a solution.

How I wish our world leaders would practice peace and happiness before making choices that impact us all.

Wishing you happiness and inspired solutions to all you problems; may they be trivial. Try that 30 Days of Happiness thing and let us know what happens.